Here are a few brief excerpts from Head for Mexico

Chapter 4: The Day to Day Nitty Gritty

Even as we appreciate the magic, we must still keep at least one foot in the real world. You’re probably wondering how many of the services you’re used to will be available here. Most of ‘em; although they may be in a somewhat different form. Beware of succumbing to gringo amnesia. That’s where you remember things up North a bit differently than they actually occurred.

If you have the misfortune to sit in on a gringo gripe sessions you might actually come to believe most, if not all, of the following things about “back home”…

· Electric service was never interrupted.
· Water distribution was never restricted, rationed or interrupted.
· The sewer never clogged or backed up.
· You were never, ever short-changed by a clerk.
· Every time you walked into any store, they had in stock exactly what you wanted.
· Service technicians politely responded to your calls and showed up exactly at the time they promised.
· The telephone never went dead.
· There was never a speck of trash in the streets.
· There were no stray animals anywhere in your town.
· The streets were quiet and safe to walk at night.

Chapter 4: The Day to Day Nitty Gritty

Paying the Piper

Okay, once you’re here and you’ve used the electricity, the water, the cable TV and the telephone the time comes to pay up. Don’t plan on mailing any of these payments. Remember, the mail service is pretty unpredictable. How you pay your bills is determined by where you live so you’re going to have to ask some of the locals about this. In La Manzanilla I paid my bills in Melaque, either at the bank or the telegraph office, depending on which line was shorter at the time. In some areas a kiosko or trailer will be set up at certain times of the month to receive payments, and in other places one or more of the local businesses will accept your payments. In Puerto Vallarta and many other cities you can pay at Elektra, one of the department store chains. In some areas there are automatic payment machines, somewhat like ATMs where you can use a debit or credit card to pay both electric and telephone bills.

Phone

If a TELMEX office is close by you can go there to pay your telephone bill, or if not, find out where the locals pay. In many places you can pay at one of the banks. I had internet service provided by Prodigy through TELMEX and paid 999 pesos once a year with my telephone bill. If you use a different ISP, Internet Service Provider, one of the more than 200 in Mexico, they’ll provide billing and payment information. I was once in a long distance dial-up area for Prodigy so I used a private local ISP and paid at their office in Jocotepec. An interesting note about TELMEX service in San Juan Cosalá and most other small.......

Housing

Can you afford to come to Mexico and pay, in cash, from $75,000 up to $1,500,000 US or beyond for a retirement home? Me neither. Critics will now scream that real estate loans are available in Mexico. They are. In certain areas and at certain rates, and under certain conditions. I offer some alleged sources of financing but you’ll find that many are restricted to a few geographical regions. Or you may be able to work out a way to buy directly from a Mexican National who will finance the deal for you. And to be honest you can buy some nice little efficiency condos in some areas for $20,000 up to $25,000 US. Occasionally a small house will be available in the same price range or maybe even less, if you’re not too particular and you own a very large selection of tools with which you are extremely proficient and creative. And if you understand Mexican construction methods. But more than likely your first home in Mexico will be a rental.

Like my friend in the first chapter, a surprisingly large number of people seem to believe that Mexico is full of abandoned haciendas just waiting for them to move into and redecorate so they can turn them into showplaces to be admired by their less fortunate friends up North. Not gonna happen, especially in our income range. Let’s put the situation in perspective. You folks in the Southwest, how many abandoned ranches are available for rent at any price? And you guys in the Northeast, how many old money mansions or summer homes are available for rent at any price? See what I mean?

Also tied to the belief that you’ll be living in a luxurious old hacienda for pennies is the idea that beautiful and personable smiling servants in colorful traditional dress will be quietly hovering about to keep your home spotless and to fulfill your slightest whim. Never asking, they appear just at the right moment to refill your glass with cold limonada as you lounge about on the breeze-cooled terrace. Or to rush forward with another cerveza, or to blot the drool from crazy Uncle Cyrus’ chin as they wait to prepare and serve another indescribably delicious meal. Uh, not gonna happen, especially in our income range. Here’s a more realistic scenario.

Chapter 5: Housing

Timeshare Sharks

Let’s say you’ve just breezed into one of the more heavily promoted retirement or tourist towns and checked into a hotel or B&B or some other accommodation. After you’ve cleaned up and set out to see the sights you pass by the front desk and see a stack or two or three or four or more of business cards advertising local real estate people. In some areas (Mazatlan pops into my mind, along with Puerto Vallarta) you may be approached, repeatedly and aggressively or smoothly and subtly, by a very friendly gringo. Ask questions, enjoy the conversation, maybe even buy him a drink, but unless you’re interested in “investing” in a timeshare, don’t show up for the appointment tomorrow morning for the “free” breakfast and the “short presentation”. You may be tempted to accept the offer to rent a Jeep for only $10 a day, or to take a “free” moonlight dinner cruise on the local excursion boat. How can they afford to offer those kinds of deals? One signature on a dotted line, plus an accompanying..........

Chapter 7: Head for the Border

It’s time to drive across the border. Get set for a tremendous adventure. Thrills, chills, exotica, joy, intrigue, wonder and awe, aggravation, exhilaration, excitement, exasperation, fatigue, trepidation, relief and quite possibly the vapors. And that’s just what you can expect during your brief stay at the border. But don’t despair, it gets a lot more interesting as you head South.

Of course, you can’t really have memorable adventures unless you actually cross the border. Here’s a suggestion. If you get to the border any time past noon, plan to get your paperwork processed and then spend the night at a nice hotel or motel on your choice of sides. Have a nice leisurely dinner, re-check your planned route, and relax. Get up early and get a fresh start.

Do not order tequila in any form tonight. You’re going to be facing a lot of sun tomorrow. Sun and tequila are only slightly less compatible than sun and vampires. Trust me on this one. Stop at the nearest 7 Eleven and stock up on travelin’ snacks, too. You’ll pass a lot of stores on the way but not all of them are gonna be sellin’ Vienna sausages and shavin’ cheese and saltines.

Or, if you’re really, really unfortunate everything will go as smooth as silk and you’ll be bereft of a single border horror story to compete with those of your friends and neighbors. Pobricito! Poor baby!

The three gauntlets you’re going run today are Immigration, Temporary Vehicle Importation, and Customs. Before you left home you should have applied for and received either a U.S. or Canadian passport.

Chapter 8: Driving and Other Daring Pursuits

Mexico’s Toll Roads

The very good news is that on your journey from the border you’ll travel an excellent highway system. You’ll more than likely encounter some construction work but you’ll survive it. The roads are extremely well marked and it’s almost impossible to get lost if you stay anywhere close to civilization. You should have in your hand at least one very accurate road map and you’ll be good to go.

The best road maps are the large Guia Roji books. Take time to study these maps--they hold a wealth of information. They’re updated annually so find one with the year of issue fairly close to the year of your trip. Look on the U.S. side of the border in Wal-Mart or in some of the local bookstores. If you’ve truly planned well, your local Border’s or Chapters or Walden Books has ordered it for you.

You may also want to join the American Automobile Association (AAA). They publish a fairly good set of travel guides and can provide you with some cultural information. I’ve discovered several things in their texts that I personally disagree with because I know better from practical experience, but there’s nothing on the pages that’ll hurt you. Contact them at http://www.aaa.com. The Canadian Auto Association is at http://www.caa.ca if you’re that far North.

You can get a Mexican driver’s license once you’re here if you choose, but your U.S. or Canadian license will be honored throughout the country as long as it’s not expired. In Appendix 2 I tell what you can expect if you choose to get a license here.

Chapter 10: Su Casa es Mi Casa

Now that we’re at the house after all that road time, it’s time to settle in. Before you roll up your sleeves, open your wallet, and start heading off to the hardware and furniture stores, the first thing you need to do is take inventory. If your rental is unfurnished this shouldn’t take too long because there’s probably not much here aside from the basic structure. There may be no light fixtures, light bulbs, toilet paper holder, drain plugs, ceiling fans and very possibly no water heater, almost certainly no stove, or refrigerator—nada. None of the very basics that you’re likely to take for granted. The last tenant took them. Not stole them, took them, because he bought that stuff just like you’re going to. Enough about unfurnished for right now. Let’s assume for a moment that you’re renting a furnished place. Ready?

Electricity, Surge Protectors, and the Mexican National Extension Cord

Down here you’ll encounter rolling brown-outs and power fluctuations on a fairly regular basis, and when the carnivals and vendors who follow the festival and fiesta circuits show up, you can almost bet on at least one power interruption due to the use of the Mexican National Extension Cord. The MNEC is an OSHA examiner’s stroke inducer, a wonder of dare-deviltry, and as dangerous as datin´ your wife’s sister.

Here’s how it works. When these guys roll into town to set up their individual booths, they need power for the fifteen or twenty million lights they’ll string all around them. Up North, similar set-ups would normally involve the use of portable generators. Down South they very often involve the use of the MNEC.

From their booths the guys will run two long electrical wires with the insulation stripped from the ends and bent back to form hooks.

When they’re ready to hook up the power they take each wire individually and, using a long wooden pole, raise the wire and look for the nearest overhead power line. Each wire hangs from a different line and if the installer manages to avoid a public electrocution, the lights begin to glow. If this maneuver is performed incorrectly someone usually gets the corpse out of the street so the rest of the guys can get on about their business.

Most of the craftsmen who require electricity to complete a job at your house will use the MNEC or a variation. Sometimes they’ll just plug directly into your wall sockets with bare wires, or hook up to the meter box the same way. The squeamish or sensitive should not watch.

If you’re bringing a computer (or some other piece of expensive electronic gear) get the best Uninterruptable Power Supply (UPS) you can find, preferably one that will allow you thirty minutes to shut down after a power loss so that you don’t damage your equipment. You can get them here but the choices are limited and it may take a few days to get one ordered. This is an item you might consider buying before you come down. Will you really need it? Oh yes! Definitely!

And once you’re in your new home hire an electrician to come out and install at least one grounded receptacle where you’ll use your computer. In budget rentals nearly all the plugs will be two-pronged. While he’s there have him test your circuits too. It’s a smart idea to use a surge protector and power regulator for your microwave and for your TV and stereo. You can find suitable ones here that will be just fine for those appliances.

Chapter 12: Household Help

Now that you’ve found a home, stocked it, and figured out how to find your groceries, other things will begin to creep into your consciousness like, “Should I hire a maid?” I can imagine several scenarios that might justify such a move.

· You’ve managed to find a huge filthy old casa at a ridiculously low cost.
· You and your spouse have both been rejuvenated by the fresh Mexican air and you spend massive blocks of time making love both day and night.
· You drink yourself into a stupor by noon each day.
· You’re as lazy as a Missouri mountaineer.
· You want to impress the folks back home.
· You have way too much money.
· You can’t stand to clean the litter box.
· You’ve gone temporarily insane.

Do what you want, but keep a few facts in mind. First and foremost, a full-time employee has many more rights in Mexico than you might imagine. As an employer you have at least as many responsibilities, if not more, than you would in the U.S. or Canada. For instance, there’s a Mexican minimum wage here. There are also seven holidays each year when you are required to pay your employees for taking the day off.

Chapter 15: How Much is That Perrito in the Window?

Other than your future bride Esmeralda, or Savage Jake the Stalker, are there animals in your life? If so, do you plan to bring them SoB?

Fido Needs Papers, Too

Here we go then. Call the veterinarian and ask if he or she has a blank U.S. Interstate and International Certificate of Health. If so, arrange to take Fluffy or Jacque’s Golden Queen Canadien in to get a check-up and clearance just before you leave town, headed South. Theoretically this paper must be issued within 72 hours of the time you reach the border. I’ve been unable to find anyone who admits to having been asked for it, but never anticipate variations from the written word.

You’re also supposed to have a pet vaccination certificate showing that Ginger and Snuffy have been inoculated against rabies, hepatitis, pip and leptospirosis.

The long festering scratches on your face and arms will not prove to the Customs officials that the animals were actually inoculated. As a matter of fact they may cause you problems when trying to cross the border. Some Aduana officials might feel that anyone crazy enough to try to restrain a cat while someone else pokes it with a needle is way too unstable to be let loose in Mexico.

The law says you’re supposed to have proof of these inoculations. Once again, I recommend erring on the side of caution, and using a vet who has a sack to stick the cat in during torture.

Veterinarian Services

Plenty of medical services are available. I’ve had animals spayed and neutered and have had friends who have taken both dogs and cats in for dental work. I personally know three dogs that have received chemotherapy here and many other surgeries are routinely performed. Pirata had one eye surgically removed after it had been displaced and damaged. One friend had a carcinoma cut from her Whippet.

If you and your vet speak a common language ask if he is a large animal doctor or a small animal specialist. It can make a difference. All the standard medications are available and be sure to understand the dosage instructions if Stumpy needs a round of pills. My critters are all Nationals and get their vaccinations locally. Sometimes I’ll even ask the vet to give me one too. Hey, hepatitis is hepatitis.

Critter Chow

As far as food is concerned, it all depends on where you live. In various places you’ll find Iams, Science Diet, Waltham (Whiskas and Pedigree), Alpo, Purina, Diamond and Hagen, as well as several other Mexican brands. And there are plenty of carnicerias. Higado is liver. Hueso means bone. You can also further explain yourself if you’re paranoid. Say, “Para mis perros”, if you suspect the butcher thinks you’re really going to use them for dinner, which I’ve done. Some butchers will strip that bone cleaner than a surgeon’s fingers, but others will leave enough to feed three dinner guests. Just don’t brag about the low cost of the main dish. If you do ask for dog bones and the carnicero barks, smiles, and goes to the back to retrieve a different slab of meat, flee. And never return.

Otro Supplies

You’ll be able to find kitty litter SoB although the next person who says anything close to “Is it clumping?” within my range of hearing had better be wearing track spikes. Get a grip, people. A cat is gonna poop and pee in this stuff. Period. If you’re concerned about clumping capabilities you should probably stay a lot closer to your therapist.

You’ll have a choice of leashes, choke chains, whips, quirts, harnesses, muzzles, collars and other assorted goodies and they’re available in a variety of colors and materials. They also make the same types of products for your pets.

Chapter 16: Is That a Stethoscope in My Pocket or
Am I Just Glad to See You?

Stab Me or Oil Me Down

A lot of folks seem to believe that injections and the ingestion of substances concocted by brilliant people with spotless lab coats and questionable social skills will protect them from illnesses. I personally believe that Alka-Seltzer, Pepto-Bismol, and an attractive young witch waving chicken feathers through the smoke of a dried goat scat fire and rubbing hog fat over my nude body will cure just about anything I’m likely to catch. Except hepatitis, rabies, and tetanus. And this really bad rash I’d rather not discuss.
Anyway, if you really want to get inoculated you can call the Centers for Disease Control at their international travelers’ hotline at 1-888-232-3228. They’re also at http://www.cdc.gov. They’ll tell you what you want to know. You can also call them at 1-877-394-8747.

State Department Info for Alla Y’all

I really must refer you to this website even though you should be warned that if you followed their travel advice you’d never leave your bomb shelter, much less your hometown. But if you want to find out who sells travel insurance or who can load you in an airplane and haul your hurtin’ carcass out of the country, go to http://travel.state.gov//medical. Lots of insurance companies and medical evacuation services are listed there. My Canadian friends can take advantage of this information, too.

Does Your Health Insurance Cover You in Mexico?

First, check with your insurance carrier to see that your coverage is valid in Mexico. Some is, some ain’t. Medicare and Medicaid are in the “ain’t” category, as are many of your Canadian government-sponsored plans.

Next, inventory your medical needs. For instance, do you require supplementary oxygen on a regular basis? This will affect your choice of places to live because smaller towns may not be able to provide it.

What I’m gonna suggest again is that you go to the U.S. State Department website but this time look at the list of healthcare insurers and do some preliminary research about coverage before you ever leave Sioux Falls or Saskatoon. There are insurance carriers in sizeable Mexican towns where agents are available. I’m not going into specifics because this is a complex area and advice needs to conform to individual requirements. You’ll be able to get homeowners, renters, health, income protection, medical evacuation, and auto insurance with no real problems. You can easily protect yourself and your possessions. CASA Liberty is a full-service company with offices in most of the places we’re discussing. They have a bilingual staff and can be reached at 011-800-112-2222.

In Appendix 1 you’ll find publications and websites specific to certain areas. If you have an idea where you might want to move I strongly suggest that you order books and newspapers from that area. The ones I’ve listed will be in English. Newspapers and magazines display advertisements from doctors, dentists, clinics, hospitals, alternative health care practitioners, and pharmacies. All have phone numbers and some have e-dresses and websites.

Chapter 17: Habla Like the Locals

If Arnold Can Habla, So Can You!

When trying to warn a National that he was about to step into a roadway hazard, a lady I know shouted, “Cariño, cariño” when she meant to say “cuidado”, look out! He froze anyway, either from fear or in anticipation of the delights to be enjoyed with the gringa who was calling him “darling, darling!”.

Luckily Mexicans treat us and our halting attempts to communicate much more magnanimously than we do them and theirs NoB. Everybody has a bucketful of stories about their fumbled attempts at language and will be pleased to bore you to thoughts of homicide given half a chance. But learning the language does more than save you from being the evening’s opening act on the plaza.

It’s Essential

You’re going to be a lot happier and thoroughly more independent SoB if you learn at least some Spanish. I hadn’t thought about it much until someone brought it up a few days ago. Until you become fairly fluent in the language you’re going to be in a state of constant frustration. You’ll develop a phobia about picking up the telephone to call anyone other than your gringo friends. Need a taxi at 4 a.m. for a trip to the airport? How about calling for services like gas deliveries or needing a doctor to come if Aunt Bullie collapses after the clinic closes? It’ll be hard to understand the basic terminology on your deeds, tax statements and bills. You’ll have difficulties telling the clerk or repairman precisely the item you want or need fixed. Perhaps the saddest thing will be your inability to develop meaningful relationships with the Spanish-speaking people around you and you’ll end up an isolated and bitter casualty in Paradise. It happens. You’re going to need your neighbors and you’ll soon discover that pointing and miming won’t cover all the things you’ll want to convey. Yes, it’s harder to learn another language when you’re older, but you’re going to be older anyway, so you might as well use your brain to assist you in your new life.

You can start lessons before you come. Many Community Colleges offer Continuing Education classes and with a little looking you might find a tutor for a reasonable price. One of the things I did was to purchase a set of language tapes. The method I chose is the Pimsleur Language Program put out by Simon & Shuster Audio. I bought the set of 30 tapes at Barnes & Noble several years ago for about $50 or $60 US.

Or, you can learn Spanish online for free. Check out Learn Spanish Online. Their website is http://www.studyspanish.com. The basic program is divided into three sections: Grammar, Vocabulary and Verbs. There are almost 160 lessons available on the free version, and you’ll need to enroll using your Yahoo or Hotmail account so you can continue your lessons after you move SoB. You’ll be given a code number to access your individual chart. In Appendix 1 I’ve listed a few more free programs you can check out.

Chapter 18: Gittin' Your Ashes Hauled: Guys, Gals, and Gays

We’d driven over to Melaque to buy groceries and on the way out of town Ruben asked if I’d mind stopping by one of the local centro botaneros so he could see if a friend of his was working. Some centro botaneros, from what I can gather, are establishments that open in the afternoons to feed alcoholics, as well as provide a place for really poor voluptuous young girls to escape the midday sun.

I followed Ruben into the place and we selected a table and sat down. One of the poor, probably homeless young ladies immediately came to take our order. Pity filled my being as I surveyed her clothing, what there was of it. A skirt and a blouse, both sized too small to encase her amazingly supple and curvaceous honey-hued body. The apparent lack of any kind of undergarment only served to accentuate the incongruity of the shiny spike-heeled shoes she teetered about on. In spite of her apparent state of poverty, she nonetheless generously offered to bring food to our table. Embarrassed to eat in the presence of her impending starvation, I declined.

“It’s free”, Ruben boomed, “get something.” Oh hell, when in Rome. In just a few seconds steaming tacos and cervezas frias were delivered up by the young waif who was so weakened from hunger that she could barely navigate the rough, wood-planked floor on those high heels. I noticed that there were a number of sympathetic and generous souls at other tables who were freely.........

Guys

Down SoB it’s fairly easy to find a young agreeable señorita. If true love or any type of reasonable facsimile is on your shopping list, you shouldn’t have too much trouble connecting with someone, either gringo(a) or National, from the local community. Just be aware of one thing, guys. Mexican daddies and brothers will introduce you to the unpleasant world of barbaric and brutal beatings if they even suspect you’re trifling with the affections or delectables of their daughters or sisters. If you discover that you’ve been dallyin’ with a married Mexican woman just go ahead and hang yourself. Don’t even risk trying to get out of the country without bein’ caught. Pre-conquest Aztec abominations pale in comparison to some of these workouts. I’ve known a particularly sturdy individual or two who actually survived one of those encounters, and I always pray they won’t show up any place I’m trying to get a meal down.

I know some SoB gringas who meet guys on the Internet and induce them to come down and visit. There are dating services and bona fide escort services available, as well as houses of ill repute. Publications are out there with “Lonely Hearts” sections, too.

And there’s always those married friends who can’t stand to see a happy single person so they insist on introducing us to someone who will be “just perfect for you”. When the subject rears it’s ugly head I usually disconnect my phone, keep the lights turned off, and live on the huge store of canned goods and saltines I keep for just an emergency. It’s not safe out on the streets when one of ‘em gets in a match-makin’ mood. Sometimes it takes months for things to.........

Chapter 19: You're Not in Kansas Anymore

Life on the Street

Since we’ve just discussed insurance and crime, here’s another regalo for you. You’re going to be amazed how quickly you relax and how quickly your worries and concerns about those two things lessen. Living in small-town Mexico is similar to small town America or Canada, of the late ‘40s and ‘50s. There is a tremendous amount of street activity in the evenings. Folks get out and visit with each other. They go to the plazas and to the cenadurias for their evening meal. There’s a sense of community, of belonging, of shared experiences, hopes, dreams and needs.

The Mexican people are warm, expansive, generous and accepting. There have been many times that I’ve sat down for my evening meal and was immediately taken into conversation by one of the strangers sitting nearby. Most of the time I had no in-depth understanding of our conversation because of my limitations with the language but I always knew I was accepted and welcome. At first that may seem strange to you because the idea of sitting down with strangers is no longer common NoB. In many of the small cenadurias, or dinner places, there will be few tables. You just look for a vacant chair, walk over and motion to it and ask, “¿Con permiso?”, with your permission.....

Appendix 3: Here’s Some Advice and a Few Resources for U.S.
and Canadian Veterans

Mexico can be a great option for those of you who are retired from active duty, on disability pensions or other types of benefits, surviving spouse payments, and burned out on the day-to-day existence you’re hackin’ through now. If you need a part-time job at a fast food palace or the local grocery store to supplement your meager pension, then a new life SoB might do you a world of good. I feel better physically and much more at peace psychologically and emotionally since I made my permanent move. You’re not going to live The Life of Riley on an income less than what’s required by the Mexican immigration law, but if you can meet their minimum requirement and learn to adapt to the ebb and flow of local life you’ll be a lot better off than in many places in the U.S. and Canada.

For those of you who have specific concerns about health and mobility, I’ll provide information about some of the more commonly asked questions. However, just as I stressed in the medical advice chapter, and everywhere else, check things out for yourself before you come down for good.

First, personal mobility. There are only a few cities that are relatively wheelchair friendly. Some municipalities have installed wheelchair ramps at street intersections, and there are good sidewalks and paved streets that can be navigated. I know several guys here who are wheelchair bound and who are able to access the plaza and a few essential places. There will be a great many stores, restaurants and government offices that will be impossible to enter without help, though. The up side is that domestic care is relatively inexpensive, and if you choose to hire live-in help, the living space you provide for them is considered to be half their salary. If you need to have grab rails or ramps installed, the cost will be a fraction of what you’d pay up NoB. They probably won’t be shiny chrome, but they’ll help you haul your ass wherever you intend for it to land.

In Chapter 16 I wrote about what you might expect in the way of special medical equipment. If you need specific information about an area and what services you can expect to find there, I suggest you contact the American Legion post in the area and direct your questions to the Post Service Officer. Ask for a referral to the Department Service Officer if the local SO can’t answer your questions. As you’re well aware, the people holding these positions change, so keep asking until you get the answers you need.

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